Passage of Time

When I was 14 years old, one of my best friend's brother died in a automobile accident. It was the day after his high school graduation commencement ceremony. He was also one of my brother's classmates and good friends. 

It was 50 years ago today. 

FIFTY YEARS! It seems like a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday all at the same time. 

I remember that I had rode my bike up to Farley and was visiting a friend of my parents. Her husband came home at around 4:30 or 5 pm and said Paul Besler just got killed. We stood there with our mouths hanging open in disbelief. A few seconds later, another of my brother's classmates drove by and he was visibly crying. My parents' friends drove me home with my bike in the trunk. On the way to our house, the tow truck towing Paul's car passed us on the way. It made the news all the more real seeing the wreckage. My brother came home from his after school job, and I saw him crying. 

My memories of Paul are of a quiet gentle soul. He was the only boy in a family of five girls. My friend's family were horse people, and mostly I remember asking Paul to help us saddle up a horse for my friend and I to ride. 

A few months after his death, my friend had a slumber party for her 14th birthday. We all slept outside that night and woke up totally covered in dew from the August morning. When we went in the house for breakfast, her mom talked about Paul and got emotional. As fourteen year olds, I doubt that any of us knew what to say. 

Maybe about 10 years ago, I ran into her mom at a local restaurant and said hello. She asked how my brother was doing, so I gave a quick run down. She noted how good of friends he and Paul had been. I said "I know." She started to get emotional talking about Paul and saying how she missed him. My then fifty-something year old self wasn't sure what to say then about a grief that must be so unimaginable. 

I thought about my brother, the father of four children who all graduated from college and grew into amazing adults. He's also now the grandfather to eight amazing grandchildren. He has a boat and has taken many fun family vacations. 

Paul didn't get any of that. In an instant, his life was gone on a sunny May afternoon when his car slightly crept over the center line of the road on a curve and was struck nearly head on from on oncoming pickup truck. 

What if either Paul or the other driver had been able to react and avoid that collision? What did Paul's family--and the world--miss by losing him that day? 

• Would he have gone on to be successful farmer and horse breeder? 
• Would he have gone to college and done other successful things in his career? 
• Would he have had a family? 
• Would he have taken over the family farm with his parents? 

On what should have been one of the happiest weekends for his family, and the entire class of 1976, turned into one of immense grief. You can never really tally all that was lost on that day. 

Four years later when I graduated, I made a comment to my brother about my graduation weekend being filled with joy and parties. He said, "I buried my best friend that weekend." 

Gut punch. 

One instant can change everything. We never know when that moment will come. And the passage of time never removes the grief and feelings of loss. 

Be kind. Live each day as if it could be your last. Say I love you. Don't hold grudges. Eat more ice cream. 

If I Had a Do-Over

Fresh off my trip to Paris at the beginning of May, and recent trips to Australia in March, Vegas in January, and Florida in December, I got to thinking about my love of travel and the "if I knew then what I know now..." perspective. 

Oh how I would love a do-over. 

• Starting in high school, I would have taken a foreign language. I think the only two options at my high school back in French and German. So, I'm certain I would have opted for French despite my German heritage. I liked the French teacher, Mrs. DeNeve, and I can't even remember who taught German. 
• In college, I would definitely sign up for a semester or year of study abroad. This, of course, what have had to be preceded by actually thinking about where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I don't regret solely basing my college choice on where my bestie Cathy was going and becoming roomies with her (thus firmly establishing our life-long connect as Buckaroos!) but--in retrospect--I could have put a little more thought into that hole scenario. 
• Post college, I would have embarked on a gap year or at least a couple of months of low cost travel. 

How did I get here? 

Growing up, we didn't take family vacations. OK, there was that one time in August 1968 when my parents loaded us up into the Country Squire and headed out to Wisconsin Dells (with no hotel reservations I might add). That trip quickly turned into a disaster when there were no rooms at the inn...not even a lowly manger for three boys ages 10-11-12, six-year-old me, and my two year old sister. All we wanted was a pool to go swimming in. My recollection is that my dad was completely unenthused about being on this vacation. He would have been 38 then and was running his own excavating business then. He probably saw this time away as lost revenue. My mom would have been 34 and probably thought this was the June Cleaver way to end summer before the kids went back to school. 

But I digress. Back to the no available hotels at the Wisconsin Dells. We ended up at a motel along the interstate in Beloit, WI that had no pool. Total buzzkill. The parents pivoted and said "we'll go to Chicago instead." Ummm, yeah, that didn't work out so well. If you know history, this was shortly after the assassinations of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy. The Democratic National Convention was being held in Chicago at that same time. That National Guard was called in to maintain civility. We got near O'Hare Airport and were caught in gridlocked traffic. The Country Squire was starting to overheat in the sweltering temperatures, so my dad wouldn't run the AC. We were all passing out from the heat. We got off the highway to go watch some planes take off and land at O'Hare and then hit the highway headed west back to Iowa. 

With the exception of my parents taking my sister and I on a couple of day trips to Adventureland or Great America, that was basically the only travel I did. 

Well, that's not exactly a true statement. I found way ways to get where I wanted. When I was 12 I was obsessed with going to Disney World. A friend of my parents was going to Florida to visit her sister, so she let me tag along. When I was 16, I was really into skiing and wanted to go to Colorado. The same friend of my parents was going to Denver for a conference, so I tagged along with her and took a bus up to the mountains by myself for a day of skiing at Winter Park. When the same friend moved to Texas, I made a few trips to Dallas/Fort Worth to visit. 

Needless to say, I had the desire for travel but didn't have a good travel role model or necessarily the means to do it, until I became a grown up! 

Here and There

I looked at a map of the US and I've done a decent job of visiting the majority of the 50 states. The green states are ones I have been to, blue are still on the list. Twelve to go! 

For international travel, I've been a little slower. Other than a quick trip across the border to Tijuana, Mexico in 1993, I didn't travel internationally until the age of 33 when I went to China to visit a friend who was living there at the time. While I feel like I've been to quite a few places, when I look at the map I still have so much more to see and do. Part of my problem is that I love my repeat trips to Ireland and Scotland and to Australia to visit my bestie Cathy. Again, green shows countries visited and blue shows not visited. 

What I Love About Other Countries

There are so many lessons learned from travel abroad, but the recurring themes I experience include: 

• Bigger isn't better. Other countries are not as obsessed with huge vehicles, huge houses, and huge restaurants or super markets. There is a different quality of life to be found in quaint little neighborhoods where you actually know your neighbors, visiting local cafes/bistros down the street from your house where the locals hang out, and driving small fuel efficient cars that you park in the street because having a 3-4 car garage attached to your home is not normal.  
• Sustainability. Every country I have visited is 100% ahead of the curve when it comes to recycling, reusing, and promoting a cleaner environment. Many countries ban those insidious plastic grocery bags, and some ban the use of plastic bottles for sodas or waters. This also relates to the preference for smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles. 
• Budget Travel. In Europe in particular, there are many budget airlines along with an established rail system for efficient and low cost travel options. In major cities, there are mature public transportation options such that wouldn't need to rent a car. People actually walk or ride bikes everywhere. It's rare to see a golf cart (buggy) on a golf course. 
• Fresh food. There isn't a McDonalds on every corner. This isn't to say they are devoid of fast food places, it just isn't the norm. The food quality is much better as well as other countries don't genetically modify their crops or pump up livestock with growth hormones and antibiotics. Locally-sourced is the norm and you can taste the difference. Whipped cream is just that...they don't feel the need to add sugar to it. 
• Wellness. The fat lazy American is a stereotype that cannot be denied. We are doing it to ourselves with our over-processed and oversized food, couple with our propensity to drive everywhere instead of walking or riding a bike. Granted, they haven't quite caught on to the "no smoking" revolution, but Americans definitely stand out as "bigger" people (myself included)! 
• Guns (or lack thereof). No place I've ever traveled has the obsession that America has with guns. In fact, in most countries, even the police do not carry a firearm - they have tasers. 
• Towel Warmers. I do love me a nice towel warmer in the bathroom. They've been in every bathroom of every hotel, inn, or B&B that I've stayed in throughout Europe. 

What's the Point? 

The moral of this story is to take the damn trip. You'll be forever enriched by whatever experience you have. 

An American Returns from Paris

I just returned from my first trip to Paris. Overall, it was a lovely trip that was jam-packed with fun and adventure despite the rainy weather. 

What I Assumed About Paris Before I Left 

• Beware of pickpockets everywhere. 
• Dress like a fashionista so you don't stand out as a tourist. 
• Plan to eat like Julia Child at every meal. 
• Don't miss the iconic Paris landmarks: Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Notre Dame. 
• Prepare to speak French. 

What I Experienced

• Paris is a large city and, like any large city in the world, you need to be aware of your surroundings; however, not once did I feel unsafe or uneasy about being pickpocketed. Granted, compared to most of the skinny French people, I look like a linebacker for the Chicago Bears so maybe I just didn't come across as an easy target! 
• I painstakingly hand-packed a carefully curated wardrobe that consisted of black, more black, and some white and gray thrown in. I also intentionally purchased a new pair of Veja (French) sneakers and packed a pair of black booties. Needless to say, other than the de rigueur trench coat (a necessity with the rainy weather) I packed, anything I would have worn would have been fine. Because you know what, NOBODY CARES!
• We had some lovely meals, but nothing that would have screamed traditional French meal. Admittedly, I probably had a croissant everyday (think an alternate to toast), and the galettes and crepes were delicious! Other than that, I actually had Italian food twice, salads, soup, or sandwiches. 
• Hindsight is always 20/20, so I would probably structure my time differently *if* I had a do-over. More on that later. 
• Everywhere we went--from a small bistro, to the hotel, to a coffee shop, to an elevator--we were immediately greeted with a warm "Bon Jour." We also encountered individuals who spoke English at nearly every place we visited, so language was never a barrier. This made me reflect on the often terrible service we receive in the US and the lack of educational requirements to teach all school children a second language. I have attempted to learn both French and Spanish as an adult and failed, but some of my nephews have been in Spanish immersion classes since kindergarten and are fluent. We need to do better. 

Overall Trip Review

Eiffel Tower 

2/10 - Save your money/time and skip the ascent to the top. Highly overrated unless you like being sandwiched into a 5'x5' elevator with 25 strangers for a 2 minute ride, only to then be sandwiched into a small observation deck with about 300 other people at the same time. It was so rainy/cloudy the day we were there you could barely see the ground anyway. Take your requisite Eiffel Tower pics from the ground. The overselling of food, drinks, and souvenirs made me think I was at the Magic Kingdom for a minute. 

The Louvre

0/10 (caveat - unless you are *really* into art history or are an artist looking for inspiration - of which I am neither) We had tickets for a 10 am entrance and got to the 'Carousel' entrance to the Louvre at about 9:05 am. Note: All the online information recommends using the Carousel entrance to avoid the long lines at the 'Pyramid' entrance. Granted, our line was probably a bit shorter but it still took a full 90 minutes before we passed through security (one magnetometer for, oh, 3,000 people!) and actually enter the museum. By this time, I was already tired of standing on concrete, sick of all the humanity, and my undiagnosed ADHD was kicking in. Would not recommend unless the caveat noted above applies to you. We did see Lisa, however, and I amused myself in the Italian Sculpture section. 

Notre Dame

10/10 - Highly Recommend. I got my church on despite being a fallen Catholic! I wasn't sure what they were saying, so I just said the "Our Father" in English when they got to that part. The cathedral is very beautiful, and we are so lucky they were able to restore it after the devastating fire in 2019. 

Seine River Cruise

10/10 - Highly Recommend. We did this the first day we arrived to get fresh air and get our bearings after the overnight flight. It was a nice relaxing way to see some of the major attractions without having to expend our depleting energy. How did I miss that France has its own Statue of Liberty? I thought they only gave us one...

Macaron Baking Class

10/10 - Highly Recommend. We had so much fun doing this class. They also offered croissant and eclair baking classes. Our instructor was a lovely young woman. 

Other Favorites

Street Cafes

10/10 - Highly Recommend. I loved loved loved visiting little cafes for coffee or beverages. Probably my favorite part of the trip...wandering the streets and popping in these little places. Don't miss this experience! 

Sheltie Alert!!

The Metro

10/10 - Highly Recommend. Fast and easy to use. Download the Bonjour RATP app for the Paris Metro. You can get literally anywhere using the metro. A day pass is only about $14 (individual rides are about $3). 

Crazy Horse

10/10 - Highly Recommend. Le Crazy Horse de Paris is a Parisian cabaret and strip club known for its stage shows performed by nude female dancers and for the diverse range of magic and variety "turns" between each nude show and the next. This isn't your seedy strip club...it was very artistic and tasteful. The singer who performed between acts was excellent. She had me with her opening number "At Last" by Etta James. 

Paris is everything I hoped it would be. Happy to check this one off the bucket list. Thanks to Marsha for the inspiration to go. Tres bon! Au revoir! 

Feeling Off...

I'm approaching the one year mark of my unplanned early retirement, AKA "Act III." What I've learned in the past 10 months...

• Sleeping in every day if you feel like it is wonderful. 
• I adore not having to be anywhere or do anything unless I want to. 
• Afternoon naps without guilt of missing "work" are amazing. 
• I thought I might get bored after a while, but I'm seriously never bored. 
• Adjusting to my new "fixed income" hasn't been horrible, but enjoying doing nothing certainly makes it easier to adapt. Thankfully, I won't find myself in the top income tax bracket this year. The amount of taxes I ended up paying for 2025 was mind-boggling. 
• I've become selfish with my time...I really don't want to commit to anything. 

Part of me has rationalized my laissez-faire approach to retirement as a period of healing from working insane hours at a stressful job for far too long. My body was weary, and I'm only now starting to feel some relief from all that stress. 

I've also thoroughly enjoyed myself, taking trips to Scotland, Ireland, Phoenix, Springfield, Tampa, Vegas, Australia, and Paris in the past 10 months, along with numerous trips to Indiana. 

Along with all my free time, however, is too much time to doom scroll or read about the depressing state of affairs in the country/world. It's exhausting and depressing and maddening all at the same time. It's hard to shake the constant feeling of dread or that things are just off and somehow going to get even worse. 

Update on Act III

I am now three months into my unplanned early retirement, and--honestly--I have no idea how I ever had time to work! I stay busy every day doing seemingly mundane tasks, but I love it. There is something to be said about not being on anyone else's schedule. I do what I want, when I want. It is amazing.

My little severance payout and retention bonus have given me a buffer to not worry about money at this moment. I've spent a bit of time planning trips: 

• Multiple trips to East Chicago to see Grayling 
• Phoenix in September to see Marsha
• Vancouver in October to see Craig 
• Springfield in October to see Katie 
• Tampa in December with Grayling 
• Vegas in January to celebrate Katie's 70th birthday
• Australia in March for Cathy's birthday

It has become clear to me that I don't want to work full-time. Ain't nobody got time for that! I have started the initial steps of creating my LLC - Luna Blue Project Support. I got it registered with the state of Iowa and have reserved my domain. Next up is creating my website. 

Stay tuned... 

The Sweetest Girl in the World

 

Suffice it to say, June 30, 2025, will forever be a shitty day in my memory. Not only did it mark the end of a long--dare I say successful--career in government contracting, it was the day I had to say goodbye to me sweet Cocoa, my Cokie Mokie, my Coca Cola. 

If you've read any of my previous blog posts, you know that dogs play a big part of my world. 

• There was my post on dogs-dogs-dogs that recounted many of the dogs in my life and how each was unique. 
• There was how-do-you-measure-grief that talked about losing my first dog I owned as a grown up - Bailey1. 
• Then, there was dog-park where I listed out my annoyances with dog park visitors. 
• Next was what-i-hate-about-dogs that talked about my grief of losing my second dog, Bailey2, just three months after losing my dad. 
• what-i-hate-about-dogs-part-2 begins the story of my COVID puppy Luna, who turned out to not be a lover but a biter, and definitely did not replace my beloved Bailey2. 
  

Although I always find it creepy that Meta is listening to our conversations (even if they deny it), an article popped up on my Facebook feed on Tuesday, the day after losing Cocoa, that validated my feelings right now. Science has confirmed that losing a dog hurts every bit as much as losing a human. If you haven't seen the article, it's worth a read if you've ever grieved the loss of a pet. 

science-confirms-losing-a-dog-hurts-just-like-losing-a-human-loved-one

I believe dogs grieve the loss of a pack member, too. Here is my spicy COVID puppy Luna, snuggling the blanket we had wrapped Cocoa in when she passed. This breaks my heart. 

This also popped up on my socials this week: 

For me, all my dogs were unique and each brought a quality to my life that I needed at that time. Bailey1 was my rock, so loyal and steadfast. She was there to greet me every time I walked in the door. Bailey2 brought me out of my crushing sadness over the loss of Bailey1. She had a joie de vivre that was unparalleled and always made me laugh at her antics. Cocoa was mentored by Bailey 2; however, she remained a stoic gentle soul. She was easily frightened and loved to be held and cuddled like a baby. Luna, on the other hand, was sent to me for some undetermined reason...perhaps to teach me patience and forgiveness...we're still working on it after five years. 

This is a tribute to my sweet Cocoa, who we will miss immensely. Despite being the shyest girl when I rescued her at age 1 back in 2013 (she had already had 4 failed adoptions), who lived under my bed for the first three months, who did nothing but cower under a chair through six weeks of dog training, who finally started to come out of her shell when she started going to Just Dogs Playcare in Iowa City and continued to flourish at GoodLife Integrative Vets for her physical therapy, she ultimately became the fiercest FedEx/Amazon Delivery alerter along with being the alpha dog to Luna who outweighed her by 60 pounds. Cocoa had a heart of gold. 

Rest easy my sweet girl. 

Entering Act III - Enter Stage Right...

This coming Monday, June 30, 2025, is my last official 'work day." 

After an official post-college career that has spanned 39 years, I find myself facing unemployment for the first time in my life. Yes, I am beyond blessed that I was able to cobble together a career that turned out pretty well -- it challenged me, introduced me to people around the world and from all walks of life, allowed me to travel, and toward the end paid me pretty well. 

I saw this meme on social media a couple of weeks ago and it really stuck with me. I have come to realize that I gave 150% to my job and my body and mind feel the toll. Starting around 2010, I was all in, chasing more responsibility, being noticed for my work, working ridiculous hours (once I literally worked 36 hours straight - I know why I did it - but no one else was doing it), not moving from my desk for HOURS. For all the positives of my job and career, the realization of the last 15 years--in particular--ruined my life. 

So, first up in my unplanned early retirement is to do nothing! I leave for Scotland/Ireland on July 10. For the first time in my life, I can go on vacation and not give one second to thinking about work. This is amazing!

My bestie Cathy encouraged me to just take the summer off and that is exactly what I am going to do. 

I also saw this meme on social media. And, I realized tis was me, I was putting on this brave face for really the past few years but inside I felt dead. I made life changes seven years ago to move home and help with my dad during the end years of his dementia. I left Iowa City, which I absolutely loved living in, and a really great group of friends. So, I move home to help with caregiving while i was also in the throes of another ridiculously intense project at work that had me on the road half the time. Then COVID hit, then my dad passed away, then my dog died, then I got a COVID puppy that in now way replaced the loving dog I lost (buyer's remorse!). Get a puppy they said, it'll be fun. This one has given me a run for my money, she'll be five in August, and we've mostly worked out a mutual relationship of respect. 

About a year ago, I listened to the Julia Louis Dreyfuss Podcast "Wiser than Me," and an interview she did with Jane Fonda. I highly recommend it ==> julia-gets-wise-with-jane-fonda

During the interview, Jane talks about how, as she approached age 60, she spent a year figuring out what to do for her Act III. She consider ages 0-30 Act I, 31- 59 as Act II, and the final 60-90 as Act III. At age 63, I am thinking about my Act III. I don't want to fully retire, but I don't want to continue with the grind I was doing. 

While I spent the past three months having mild panic attacks about how I would survive without a steady income and routine, but now I am embracing it! I will be fine, and I will figure something out.