The Sweetest Girl in the World

 

Suffice it to say, June 30, 2025, will forever be a shitty day in my memory. Not only did it mark the end of a long--dare I say successful--career in government contracting, it was the day I had to say goodbye to me sweet Cocoa, my Cokie Mokie, my Coca Cola. 

If you've read any of my previous blog posts, you know that dogs play a big part of my world. 

• There was my post on dogs-dogs-dogs that recounted many of the dogs in my life and how each was unique. 
• There was how-do-you-measure-grief that talked about losing my first dog I owned as a grown up - Bailey1. 
• Then, there was dog-park where I listed out my annoyances with dog park visitors. 
• Next was what-i-hate-about-dogs that talked about my grief of losing my second dog, Bailey2, just three months after losing my dad. 
• what-i-hate-about-dogs-part-2 begins the story of my COVID puppy Luna, who turned out to not be a lover but a biter, and definitely did not replace my beloved Bailey2. 
  

Although I always find it creepy that Meta is listening to our conversations (even if they deny it), an article popped up on my Facebook feed on Tuesday, the day after losing Cocoa, that validated my feelings right now. Science has confirmed that losing a dog hurts every bit as much as losing a human. If you haven't seen the article, it's worth a read if you've ever grieved the loss of a pet. 

science-confirms-losing-a-dog-hurts-just-like-losing-a-human-loved-one

I believe dogs grieve the loss of a pack member, too. Here is my spicy COVID puppy Luna, snuggling the blanket we had wrapped Cocoa in when she passed. This breaks my heart. 

This also popped up on my socials this week: 

For me, all my dogs were unique and each brought a quality to my life that I needed at that time. Bailey1 was my rock, so loyal and steadfast. She was there to greet me every time I walked in the door. Bailey2 brought me out of my crushing sadness over the loss of Bailey1. She had a joie de vivre that was unparalleled and always made me laugh at her antics. Cocoa was mentored by Bailey 2; however, she remained a stoic gentle soul. She was easily frightened and loved to be held and cuddled like a baby. Luna, on the other hand, was sent to me for some undetermined reason...perhaps to teach me patience and forgiveness...we're still working on it after five years. 

This is a tribute to my sweet Cocoa, who we will miss immensely. Despite being the shyest girl when I rescued her at age 1 back in 2013 (she had already had 4 failed adoptions), who lived under my bed for the first three months, who did nothing but cower under a chair through six weeks of dog training, who finally started to come out of her shell when she started going to Just Dogs Playcare in Iowa City and continued to flourish at GoodLife Integrative Vets for her physical therapy, she ultimately became the fiercest FedEx/Amazon Delivery alerter along with being the alpha dog to Luna who outweighed her by 60 pounds. Cocoa had a heart of gold. 

Rest easy my sweet girl. 

Entering Act III - Enter Stage Right...

This coming Monday, June 30, 2025, is my last official 'work day." 

After an official post-college career that has spanned 39 years, I find myself facing unemployment for the first time in my life. Yes, I am beyond blessed that I was able to cobble together a career that turned out pretty well -- it challenged me, introduced me to people around the world and from all walks of life, allowed me to travel, and toward the end paid me pretty well. 

I saw this meme on social media a couple of weeks ago and it really stuck with me. I have come to realize that I gave 150% to my job and my body and mind feel the toll. Starting around 2010, I was all in, chasing more responsibility, being noticed for my work, working ridiculous hours (once I literally worked 36 hours straight - I know why I did it - but no one else was doing it), not moving from my desk for HOURS. For all the positives of my job and career, the realization of the last 15 years--in particular--ruined my life. 

So, first up in my unplanned early retirement is to do nothing! I leave for Scotland/Ireland on July 10. For the first time in my life, I can go on vacation and not give one second to thinking about work. This is amazing!

My bestie Cathy encouraged me to just take the summer off and that is exactly what I am going to do. 

I also saw this meme on social media. And, I realized tis was me, I was putting on this brave face for really the past few years but inside I felt dead. I made life changes seven years ago to move home and help with my dad during the end years of his dementia. I left Iowa City, which I absolutely loved living in, and a really great group of friends. So, I move home to help with caregiving while i was also in the throes of another ridiculously intense project at work that had me on the road half the time. Then COVID hit, then my dad passed away, then my dog died, then I got a COVID puppy that in now way replaced the loving dog I lost (buyer's remorse!). Get a puppy they said, it'll be fun. This one has given me a run for my money, she'll be five in August, and we've mostly worked out a mutual relationship of respect. 

About a year ago, I listened to the Julia Louis Dreyfuss Podcast "Wiser than Me," and an interview she did with Jane Fonda. I highly recommend it ==> julia-gets-wise-with-jane-fonda

During the interview, Jane talks about how, as she approached age 60, she spent a year figuring out what to do for her Act III. She consider ages 0-30 Act I, 31- 59 as Act II, and the final 60-90 as Act III. At age 63, I am thinking about my Act III. I don't want to fully retire, but I don't want to continue with the grind I was doing. 

While I spent the past three months having mild panic attacks about how I would survive without a steady income and routine, but now I am embracing it! I will be fine, and I will figure something out.  

Feelings of Dread...Revisited

So, I've been having a shit month or so and decided to write about it tonight. Then, I happened to read my last blog post from almost one year ago. Crikey...as if I wasn't already feeling crappy enough, my feelings of dread from one year ago have almost 100% materialized. 

In case you didn't read Feelings of Dread (Part 1), humor me while I recant what I was dreading back then: 

What I fear most about a second Trump term: 

• ✔The continued erosion of a woman's right to choose and autonomy over her own body, along with the potential for criminal actions for medical professionals who care for women in what are deeply personal situations. I have nieces and grand nieces, and I fear for the limited choices they may face in the future with their healthcare decisions. 
• ✔The continued erosion of the judicial branch and the seemingly unethical or questionable standards that some of our judges on the Supreme Court are exhibiting. Justices seem all too willing to curry favors for the mega rich benefactors or friends for political gains. This extends far beyond the Supreme Court to judges at every level who favor this ultra conservative and christian dogma that ultimately rules in favor of white people and gives the harshest of penalties to the most vulnerable populations. 
• ✔The removal of all protections for diversity, equity, and inclusion that extend to women, all people of color, LGBTQ+ groups, individuals with disabilities, and individuals who speak English as a second language. I am lucky to call people from all these groups friends. I know they are scared. So scared that some have already left the U.S. permanently. 
• ✔The broad characterization of immigrants as "bad people" and the goal to deport tens of millions of immigrants...even those who are here legally. Again, I know and care very much for many immigrants who are lovely contributing members of our society. I don't think many people in the U.S. understand the economic devastation to the agricultural, construction, and tourism industries if all immigrants are suddenly rounded up and deported. The immigrants are not taking "black jobs" or taking jobs from white Americans. No, the hardworking immigrants are doing the manual, tedious, shitty work that most people in this country are not willing to do. 
• ✔The plans to politicize the federal civil workforce and to eliminate certain federal agencies. This will have devastating effects on many agencies that millions and millions of Americans rely on: Medicare, Social Security, student financial aid, transportation, agriculture. I currently work for a government contractor and my counterparts at the federal agency we serve are extremely nervous for the future and consequences of this action. 
• The potential plan to reinstate the draft, and more importantly, to REQUIRE graduates from public high schools to take a military exam while graduates from private schools are exempt. Who is this going to impact? We all know the answer to this....the most affected students under this requirement will be students of color and students from economically disadvantaged backgrounds. The preppy white kids from private schools will get a free pass. 
• ✔The removal of environmental protections. We're past the point of denying that climate change is happening, right? The extreme heat, the more severe weather, the melting of the polar ice cap, the plastic garbage islands floating in our oceans. We are straight up killing our beautiful planet and rolling back the meager protections that are in place will further exacerbate the issue. Go to any other developed country -- Australia, Scotland, England, Ireland -- the U.S. lags FAR behind them in sustainability. 

I mean, I guess he told us exactly what he was going to do. Now, adding on to that, we have: 

• The debacle of his on again/off again tariffs and the havoc it is wreaking on the global economy. 
• His continued chumminess with Putin and bloviating about being a "peacemaker" and "greatest negotiator ever" while taking up Israel's war with Iran and dragging the United States into it. 
• His continued inability to show even a SHRED of empathy or decency in the face of tragedies (e.g., refusing to call Governor Tim Walz to express condolences on the murder of a Minnesotan lawmaker and her husband and attempted murder of two others - why? Because, per Trump, Governor Walz is "whacked out." Well, Trump, I guess it takes one to know one.)
• His pardon of EVERY single person sentenced for the January 6, 2021 insurrection while claiming that current peaceful protests against his no holds barred immigration raids are unlawful. 

I could go on, but it's too exhausting. 

I digress, yet again, when the point of making this blog was to talk about my own personal shit, such as: 

• Thanks to Trump and DOGE, I will be jobless in exactly one week, after letting go of ~ 160 members of my teams already.  
• I had a horrible bout of vertigo three weeks ago that I'm still trying to bounce back from. Consider your self lucky if you've never suffered from benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). I can tell you it truly sucks.
• My sweet Cocoa is failing miserably. I'm not ready to lose another dog. (Reference What I Hate About Dogs)
• I feel fat (nothing new here). 
• My mother is a handful to manage, though we successfully stopped her from driving anymore in the past two months. 

Shit, I guess the whole world is falling apart. Maybe I shouldn't be such an awfulizer. Here's to my Cokie girl and my upcoming vacation to Scotland and Ireland in two weeks! Slainte. 

Feelings of Dread

 Admittedly, I haven't felt 'normal' lately. There are a ton of reasons that feed into that, but that's material for a whole other post. Today, I've been thinking about a conversation I had with one of my brothers a few weeks ago. We were having a general conversation about current events and the lackluster choice of voting for two old white men or a middle-aged white man who evidently claims to have a worm in his brain for president. My brother said that maybe he just won't vote. I said I didn't think that was the right answer...but I let it go. 

But I can't. 

It's been weighing on me ever since. I couldn't agree more that the three likely candidates for president do not excite me either; however, there is so much at stake for our country. As I thought about it, my 67-year old white brother--retired but working a part-time job to keep busy--really won't suffer any dramatically negative consequences regardless of who becomes president. He's in relatively good health, his house is paid for, he and his wife have (I assume) a modest amount of retirement savings, their children are all grown and healthy and have productive lives. So, the outcome of the election one way or the other won't have lasting effects for him. 

I see the awful impacts that could happen with a second Trump term. Again, not to me as a middle-aged white woman who is past childbearing years, with a decent income, and modest savings. But, my God, I fear for so many other that I deeply care about. 

Project 2025 outlines a future for our country that is straight out of The Handmaids Tale. I recall a conversation I had with a former colleague (a Republican but not a Trump fan) a couple of years ago when I was lamenting how I crushed I felt when Trump received more electoral votes than Hillary and became the President. He said, "I am sure it is hard to process that our country is more misogynist than racist. Until that moment, I had never thought about it. White privileged me assumed that women had finally achieved equal status to men. That was a hard truth that took me a while to absorb. (Actually, I'm still absorbing it.) 

But, I digress...

What I fear most about a second Trump term: 

• The continued erosion of a woman's right to choose and autonomy over her own body, along with the potential for criminal actions for medical professionals who care for women in what are deeply personal situations. I have nieces and grand nieces, and I fear for the limited choices they may face in the future with their healthcare decisions. 
• The continued erosion of the judicial branch and the seemingly unethical or questionable standards that some of our judges on the Supreme Court are exhibiting. Justices seem all too willing to curry favors for the mega rich benefactors or friends for political gains. This extends far beyond the Supreme Court to judges at every level who favor this ultra conservative and christian dogma that ultimately rules in favor of white people and gives the harshest of penalties to the most vulnerable populations. 
• The removal of all protections for diversity, equity, and inclusion that extend to women, all people of color, LGBTQ+ groups, individuals with disabilities, and individuals who speak English as a second language. I am lucky to call people from all these groups friends. I know they are scared. So scared that some have already left the U.S. permanently. 
• The broad characterization of immigrants as "bad people" and the goal to deport tens of millions of immigrants...even those who are here legally. Again, I know and care very much for many immigrants who are lovely contributing members of our society. I don't think many people in the U.S. understand the economic devastation to the agricultural, construction, and tourism industries if all immigrants are suddenly rounded up and deported. The immigrants are not taking "black jobs" or taking jobs from white Americans. No, the hardworking immigrants are doing the manual, tedious, shitty work that most people in this country are not willing to do. 
• The plans to politicize the federal civil workforce and to eliminate certain federal agencies. This will have devastating effects on many agencies that millions and millions of Americans rely on: Medicare, Social Security, student financial aid, transportation, agriculture. I currently work for a government contractor and my counterparts at the federal agency we serve are extremely nervous for the future and consequences of this action. 
• The potential plan to reinstate the draft, and more importantly, to REQUIRE graduates from public high schools to take a military exam while graduates from private schools are exempt. Who is this going to impact? We all know the answer to this....the most affected students under this requirement will be students of color and students from economically disadvantaged backgrounds. The preppy white kids from private schools will get a free pass. 
• The removal of environmental protections. We're past the point of denying that climate change is happening, right? The extreme heat, the more severe weather, the melting of the polar ice cap, the plastic garbage islands floating in our oceans. We are straight up killing our beautiful planet and rolling back the meager protections that are in place will further exacerbate the issue. Go to any other developed country -- Australia, Scotland, England, Ireland -- the U.S. lags FAR behind them in sustainability. 

I could go on and on. So, no, there isn't a great individual candidate running for president. The presidency is more than the person who resides in the White House. It's the people he or she appoints to lead the federal agencies. It's the judges who get appointed to the courts. It's the vision for our country that includes ALL people. It's being an overall good person with good intentions. I'm sorry, but not a pussy grabbing, twice divorced philanderer, 34-time convicted felon, racist (think NY tenant discrimination cases and false narrative surrounding the Central Park 5 who were completely exonerated), Putin-loving, narcissist who makes everything about ME ME ME. The president is about who they surround themselves with to run our great country. The number of former Trump colleagues or appointees that have been sentenced to jail is...I don't know...10? And the number still facing trial???  Then, look at the people who worked for Trump in his first administration who do not support him. This article alone quotes 24 people: https://www.cnn.com/2023/10/03/politics/donald-trump-former-allies-what-matters/index.html

The moral of the story: 

1. Pay attention

2. Vote! Even if Joe Biden or the Democrat doesn't excite you. 

When You Selfishly Think You Had a Bad Day

I was feeling sorry for myself as I sat in the Admiral's Lounge, waiting for my flight home. It was a stressful week at work. I logged 76 hours in five days, and I was operating on about 2.5 hours of sleep. I was barely able to keep my eyes open while I waited. Then, something on the tarmac caught my eye. I watched and waited. 

Suddenly,  I felt really small and petty for thinking I had it so bad. 

This is what I saw. 

Quietly, and without prompting, those of us seated near the windows who saw what was happening all stood and watched in silence to show our respect for the fallen anonymous soldier. 

It was a sweltering 95 degrees outside and probably hotter on that tarmac in the stifling humidity. The soldier's comrades never faltered and carried out their honorable task with precision, surrounded by the American Airlines ground crew. 

My week was not hard. 

I am sitting in an airport lounge waiting to board my flight in my first class seat. 

This soldier lost his or her life this week. 

Somewhere a family is grieving this unimaginable loss of their father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter. 

Who was this soldier?

Did they wake up that morning with thoughts of the future? 

Were they scared as they gave the ultimate sacrifice for us? 

For strangers. 

My tears slid silently down my face and disappeared behind my mask. 

We are selfish. 

We take our freedom for granted. 

We don't appreciate the simple things anymore. 

Was this soldier a person of color, gay, or transgender, giving their life for a country that so often marginalizes them?

This soldier gave their life for strangers, yet we still have friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers who refuse to get a COVID vaccination. 

The pandemic and the delta variant rage on. Yet, so many aren't willing to do what is right to protect others. 

Like this soldier.  

Shame on all those who claim their rights are being violated and refuse to be vaccinated. 

Be honorable like this soldier.

Thank you for your service anonymous soldier. We are grateful for your patriotism and ultimate sacrifice. 

I will never forget you. ❤🇺🇸

Morning Intent

I'm really busy at work right now. So I made a vow with myself to get up earlier and start work earlier to be more productive. My days are filled with meetings so I don't get actual tasks accomplished. Yet, here I am, enjoying the quiet of the morning. With this face...

Well, there's always tomorrow for an early start. 

What I Hate About Dogs - Part 2

I've had a revelation in the past few months that dogs, like people, sometimes turn out not to be who you think they are or want them to be. They also have the propensity to disappoint. 

We can all agree that 2020 was a pretty shit year thanks to COVID-19. It was made worse for me when I lost my dad in April and then lost my dog in July. I grieved hard when I lost Bailey2. It was the straw that pushed me over the edge, I guess. 

So, of course, I began the quest for another dog. It's what we've always done...being a dog loving family. Though our last five dogs were rescues, all with some kind of quirk, getting a puppy seemed like a great idea. I had my heart set on a Rough Collie, but also a Blue Merle so she would have the same coloring as Bailey2. Enter Luna...

Super cute, right? It started out great. She was housebroken in less than a week. Slept through the night after the second or third night of being home. We started in puppy pre-school right away. She learned sit, down, rollover, shake, high-five really quickly. She walked well on a leash. You'd think, wow, what a great dog. But, then, this happened...

That was the first of many bites. That one happened when she was about 12 weeks old, and I dropped a cap to a water bottle that she promptly scooped up and started chewing. Thinking she might actually try to swallow it and could choke, I ran to retrieve it from her when she went full on attack mode on me. 

Working with the trainer from puppy preschool, it was determined she has resource guarding issues, impulse control problems, and is highly prey driven. So, basically, I've bought a wolf. The trainer reminded me that domesticated dogs are just one step away from wolves and would live with and mate with them if they were together. This is all "normal" behavior. I've invested $2500 in training so far. 

She bit me again today. <sigh> 

My sister asked if I wanted to re-home her. I don't want to give up on her....I just want her to stop biting me. She has moments of being a fun dog. 

I was talking about her to one of my good friends a few weeks ago and was lamenting that she wasn't the emotional support dog I had imagined in my head after 2020. My friend, who had gone through a lot of turmoil, counseling, violent episodes, and drama with her son, said she understood. You pour your heart and everything you have into this living being that you love and get heartache in return. She looked at me and said, "Luna is your Liam.*" I immediately knew what she meant. 

As the human in this relationship, I need to reset my expectations. I need to learn that Luna: 

• Is not a "huggy cuddly" dog. I have to rely on Cocoa or Buddy for my doggie snuggles. 
• Gets real snappy when she's tired. She needs her naps. My dad once asked my friend Katie if she got snappy. Luna takes snappy to Level 10. 
• Will resource guard the fuck out of anything she deems valuable, particularly food. Learning the hard way, after more bites than I want to count, I need to help her be successful by controlling the situation and keeping her separated where food is involved. I mean, I might mess someone up if they took my Ben & Jerry's. 
• Cannot be trusted around little kids who might stand around with cookies or ice cream, stuffed toys, or other items that Luna might covet. Neither parties in this scenario can be trusted to "do the right thing."  
• Needs consistency. When I think that she's overcome something, I let my guard down, and that's when shit happens. The trainer cautioned me last week that Luna was entering her adolescence and may regress or be more challenging. <oh boy...>

I hate that there are days I look at Luna and despise her. I guess it's not her fault. She is who she is. I put too many of my expectations on her that she doesn't comprehend. Just because the other 10+ Collies we've had were super mellow and loving and calm, nothing guaranteed that Luna would be a carbon copy of them. Even our dog trainer said, "Luna is just the dog you ended up with, her behavior is not unusual for a dog. It's unusual for you."

The moral of the story, dogs--like people--can be jerks and sometimes break your heart. But you still love them. 

*Name changed for privacy.