I'm Wondering How I Got Here...

I never considered myself a girlie girl. I never wore pink as a child...or really even as an adult. I probably played "house" a handful of times growing up, but this picture of me at Christmas when I was maybe 4 years old explains a lot. I don't remember it, but evidently this was the third set of play dishes I received on this Christmas. My response after opening this gift, "I wanted something else." Likely, I was coveting the Tonka Toys or games my older brothers had received. 

If looks could kill....

I didn't dream of being a Brady Bunch, Leave it Beaver, or My Three Sons kind of person when I grew up. I didn't want to be responsible for anything or anyone. I wanted to be That Girl or Mary Tyler Moore...living in a cute little apartment in the city and working in an office. 

As a tween, I didn't buy bridal magazines and dream about my wedding or spend hours looking for the perfect prom dress. Rather, I was dreaming of traveling to interesting locations and getting out of Farley. 

During those formative years, I didn't disregard the notion of having that kind of storybook life: a husband, kids, a mortgage, the daily grind. Life just proceeded, and I spent 20+ years avoiding getting pregnant because I was working on my career, traveling, hadn't met anyone, into my own world, etc. Without realizing it then, I was building the life I wanted. 

• Freedom. 
• No responsibilities. 
• Do what I want when I want. 
• Keep my home as organized as I want...or messy, if that's how I'm feeling. 
• Ice cream for dinner - or breakfast - for that matter without regret. 
• Being the fun aunt and building lasting relationships with my nieces and nephews. 
• Staying up all night and sleeping all day if I want. 
• Working insane hours with work travel and meeting co-workers who became family. 
• Coming and going when I wanted without answering to anyone. 
• A long distance relationship that's outlasted many people's marriages. When asked how that works, I reply "perfectly."

I'm sure there is a whole faction of people who would look at me and question my life choices and think "how sad, she never married or had children." Truth is, I never tried. I'm very good at accomplishing tasks, and if that was on my "to do" list, it would have been completed years ago. 

As a grown up, I've realized I am a classic introvert and, basically, people annoy and exhaust me. This list describes me to a tee: 

Why am I bringing all of this up? Well, eight years ago I moved back home to help my sister take care of our dad who was still living at home with dementia. He was always great, even when he was most confused, and we were able to keep him at home until the last four months of his life. Fast forward to today and we are still here, now caring for our mother who also has dementia. She is not as happy-go-lucky as our dad, and every day is a struggle. We are working on options because we are at the breaking point. She isn't making it easy or pleasant. 

I didn't want this responsibility. I didn't want any responsibility except for me and my dog. Every day it takes all my fortitude to carry on and not completely lose it. Most days I feel like I'm a stranger living in someone else's house. I crave my own space and privacy. It's hard not to feel resentful all the time. My best retirement years are currently passing me by, and being brutally honest, I hate it. 

The moral of the story, if you do have kids, plan ahead for this and have the discussions while you are still of sound mind. Don't put your kids through this stress and trauma.